Cold feet

I am having a massive crisis of confidence. We all know I am due to start uni this week. The reason we all know this is because I have been shouting it from the rooftops (and blogs…and forums…and facebook…), that I am going to uni, and I am going to be great! I have announced to the world that I am making this big step, this massive life change, strutting my stuff with my chest puffed out, acting like I am ALL THAT.

But now I have cold feet, and I am scared.

There is a new little voice competing with the usual voices in my head, saying ‘What have you done? You can’t go to uni! You will need to study, to work hard… you don’t have the time! You don’t have the talent! What were you thinking??’

I don’t know what I was thinking. OK, I like to write stuff. I even think sometimes that I am a bit good at it. But writing stuff on a blog read by loving but biased friends and family is a bit different to putting my stuff ‘out there’ to be critiqued by strangers. What if it turns out that I really am not all that good after all?

Not to mention that I am not used to writing on command. Currently I sit at the computer, listen to the voices in my head and write it down, then take all the credit. Yes, it sounds crazy, but it is true. I do not make words happen, I just listen to whatever it is that is swirling around in my mind and put it onto paper. But I do not think my lecturers are going to want to know the random things I think about. But will I be able to write about stuff that really matters?

My instincts are telling me to run, RUN, put an end to this nonsense! But I don’t want to let nerves, self doubt and an intense fear of public speaking rule my life.

So on Friday, 8am, I will be sitting in that lecture theatre, heart pounding, probably with a stomach ache, possibly feeling light headed and slightly nauseous… but I *will* be there. Because unless I take this scary step all I will ever do is dream.